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Archive for January, 2009

Betrayed By My Emotions

January 26th, 2009 by Bahama

Heart

I’ve avoided writing much more than just the facts lately.  The emotions I’ve been feeling aren’t anything most folks want or need to hear.  If you’re looking for happy sunshine, go read something else because you won’t find it here.

Not even my closest friends know the full extent of my discontent.  I’ve discussed a little bit here and there with some but I stop short of revealing myself fully to any one person.  I’m worried that sharing too much will somehow deminish their respect for me.  It’s probably true that spilling all this is a bad idea, but I’ve found it impossible to move on without an outlet to express it.

I suppose things started going downhill when I took the position as CEO of CU.  I tried to squeeze myself into the role and my efforts brought me little else but grief.  As the stress mounted in those final weeks, I spent sleepless nights contemplating what had gone wrong and how I could fix it.  I let my judgment be clouded by how I felt.  I was betrayed by my emotions. 

The experience has taught me much about myself.  I value people above policies.  I value friends above subordinates.  I value community above corporations.  Is any of this wrong?  No, I don’t think so.  But it means that I’ll never make an effective CEO of a cutthroat corporation. And you know what?  I’m good with that.

My failure as a CEO was a small matter compared to what was happening in my personal life at that same time.  I had poured my heart and soul into what was one of the closest friendships I’ve experienced in this galaxy.  During this same time, that too fell apart.  I’m embarrassed to admit that I’ve walked away from the ruins of that relationship deeply wounded.  I so rarely let people get so close.  In some ways I wish I hadn’t opened myself up in the first place.

I know that my friends are well meaning when they encourage me to simply move on.  I don’t have the guts to tell any of them that it’s just not that easy.  I find myself second guessing everything I do. 

The words this friend said to me in anger echo in my ears with every step I take.  I thought I was respected and appreciated for who I was.  I felt there was a genuine bond of friendship.  I’ve been crushed by the realization that this was not the case.

Not a day goes by when I don’t feel the heartbreak.  Right now I know I have so much to celebrate.  So many blessings.  I’m part of an incredible community of talented and interesting people.  They are nice folks, all of them. 

But this wound is still open and I find myself unable to let down my defenses for fear it could happen again.  In time that will change.  I’m hoping that writing this is a step in the right direction.

Moneta Community Network

January 16th, 2009 by Bahama

My position in the Commerce Union turned out to be more than I could handle while also trying to keep up with my business and friends.  As much as I would have liked to see the project through, I’ve found it necessary to step down as the CEO.  I’m relieved to leave the job to those more qualified.

Instead I’m focusing my time and attention on matters closer to home.  Moneta is a thriving community.  The Regal Beagle regularly sees customers anxious to enjoy the entertainment.  We have all types of craftsmen creating everything from the finest armor and weapons to the fastest ships in the galaxy.  Moneta has a high concentration of master pilots and some of the nicest folks you’ll ever meet.

We’ve formed the Moneta Community Network (MNETA) in order to coordinate our efforts to bring prosperity to our community.  I’m excited about all the projects we’ve got coming up.

But first I’m going to take a much needed break.  If you need me, I’ll be fishing on Endor.

yacht mishap

January 7th, 2009 by Bahama

Rather than go back to the shop for a change of clothing and risk getting caught up in more work, I decided I’d just board my yacht and craft some casual clothes to bring along.  I so rarely sit aboard my ship when I’m not in the process of travelling from here to there.  I usually board with my pilot droid who follows strict orders to take the quickest, safest, most direct route possible.It’s funny how this yacht that I’ve owned for so many years can still feel a bit spooky when I’m all alone.  I wandered around checking that everything was as it should be and tried to ignore the nagging thought in the back of my mind that something could be lurking around the next corner.  In the end, I choose to work downstairs in the smallest room where the lack of windows made me feel more at ease.

With my new clothes packed in my bag I returned to the pilot chair with the intention of flying myself to Endor to go fishing.  I should have known better.  I hit some lever or button and my ship took off flying.  I hit everything I saw but it would not stop.  Controlling my panic, I remembered the procedure my friend taught me for an emergency landing.  Thankfully it worked and I was soon back at Theed Starport. 

With my trusty pilot droid at the helm, I made it to Endor without incident. When will I ever learn?!

Obligations

January 7th, 2009 by Bahama

I’ve always been careful about the responsibilities and obligations I put on my plate.  It’s not that I consider myself a weak person, but everyone has a breaking point and I aim to make sure I never get to mine.

I suppose you could attribute my whole life here to my tendency to avoid too much responsibility.  It’s a wonderfully romantic story about how I ran off with Bermuda.  But the truth is, as much as I was leaving to be with him, I was also running away from my life at home. 

As an only child, the pressure to fulfill my parent’s dreams and expectations always weighed heavily on me.  My mother never missed an opportunity to make her feelings known about what she thought an ideal life should look like.  She openly criticized the young women who left our small town, unmarried, looking for a different life.

I sometimes wonder if I’d ever have mustered the courage to leave on my own had Bermuda never landed in my life the way he did.  I’m a bit embarrassed to admit that the answer is, mostly likely, no. 

Part of what may have attracted me to Bermuda in the first place is that he put no responsibilities on me.  He was used to taking care of himself. Even when we married, he didn’t expect me to play the part of the housewife waiting to serve him, to take care of him. 

The freedom I enjoyed in my marriage and in owning my own business came to an abrupt halt with the unexpected arrival of Bermuda Jr.  I hadn’t planned to have children – ever.  That’s not to say I don’t love BJ… just that I didn’t expect him. I’m proud to be his mother ….but make no mistake, I’m glad that he’s moved from childhood to manhood.

More recently, I’ve found myself bound to another child of sorts.  The Commerce Union is young and is still developing.  I’m happy with how things have gone so far but I can’t say that there hasn’t been a lot of work and stress involved at times.

I am most fortunate that fate has brought such good people to CU.  Without them, it would be much more difficult to fulfill my obligations.