Being Bahama

Betrayed By My Emotions

I’ve avoided writing much more than just the facts lately.  The emotions I’ve been feeling aren’t anything most folks want or need to hear.  If you’re looking for happy sunshine, go read something else because you won’t find it here.

Not even my closest friends know the full extent of my discontent.  I’ve discussed a little bit here and there with some but I stop short of revealing myself fully to any one person.  I’m worried that sharing too much will somehow deminish their respect for me.  It’s probably true that spilling all this is a bad idea, but I’ve found it impossible to move on without an outlet to express it.

I suppose things started going downhill when I took the position as CEO of CU.  I tried to squeeze myself into the role and my efforts brought me little else but grief.  As the stress mounted in those final weeks, I spent sleepless nights contemplating what had gone wrong and how I could fix it.  I let my judgment be clouded by how I felt.  I was betrayed by my emotions. 

The experience has taught me much about myself.  I value people above policies.  I value friends above subordinates.  I value community above corporations.  Is any of this wrong?  No, I don’t think so.  But it means that I’ll never make an effective CEO of a cutthroat corporation. And you know what?  I’m good with that.

My failure as a CEO was a small matter compared to what was happening in my personal life at that same time.  I had poured my heart and soul into what was one of the closest friendships I’ve experienced in this galaxy.  During this same time, that too fell apart.  I’m embarrassed to admit that I’ve walked away from the ruins of that relationship deeply wounded.  I so rarely let people get so close.  In some ways I wish I hadn’t opened myself up in the first place.

I know that my friends are well meaning when they encourage me to simply move on.  I don’t have the guts to tell any of them that it’s just not that easy.  I find myself second guessing everything I do. 

The words this friend said to me in anger echo in my ears with every step I take.  I thought I was respected and appreciated for who I was.  I felt there was a genuine bond of friendship.  I’ve been crushed by the realization that this was not the case.

Not a day goes by when I don’t feel the heartbreak.  Right now I know I have so much to celebrate.  So many blessings.  I’m part of an incredible community of talented and interesting people.  They are nice folks, all of them. 

But this wound is still open and I find myself unable to let down my defenses for fear it could happen again.  In time that will change.  I’m hoping that writing this is a step in the right direction.