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Archive for February, 2010

A Mother’s Tears

February 27th, 2010 by Bahama

I found myself at the lake trying desperately to think of another place to run to.  As if this was something I could run from.  I imagined that retreating from life would somehow stop time, allowing me the luxury to make sense of it all.  I slowly came to the realization that it just doesn’t work that way. 

Reluctantly, I powered up my comm device and was immediately contacted by a customer.  I couldn’t think of a viable excuse to decline making him the special order he requested… so I made it.  When I asked where I could meet him to deliver his goods I really didn’t expect him to tell me that he was already in my shop waiting for me.  I hadn’t planned to go back there yet.  I wasn’t sure I wanted to.  But ready or not, I had a customer waiting on an order I’d already made.  How could I refuse?

He tried on the clothing I’d made for him, was pleased with my work and paid me well.  He even complimented me on my business.  I’m certain he had no idea that the smile he brought to my face was the first I’d smiled in a long while.  He didn’t know that he’d given me just the push I needed to pick up that crafting tool.  Nor did he understand that walking into that shop to meet him made it so much easier than it would have been to go there alone. 

When he’d left I looked around at the familiar surroundings and was reminded how much I love my job.  I love being a tailor and I wouldn’t be anything else.  I checked in with the vendors, fired up the factory and straightened up around the shop.  Doing felt good.

Then a call came from an old friend who I’d not heard from in a very long time.  I travelled to Moneta to see her.  Once again, having a reason to return and knowing that someone would be there to distract me in those first few, fearful moments… well, it made all the difference.   

Once she was settled in I took care of business around town.  It felt so good to be back in my life, doing what I love to do. 

I’m surrounded by all the familiar people and places and things…  but that’s not to say everything is the same.  It’s different.  I’m different.  But this different isn’t as horrible or scary as I imagined it would be.  Life is going to go on.  I’m going to go on.

I’ve determined that there’s reason enough to hold on to hope that the news I received wasn’t true.  I’ve also determined that whether or not it is, this fear and sadness isn’t going anywhere.  But rather than allow it to take over as I have been, I’m putting it in it’s place.  The fact I’ve lost doesn’t mean there isn’t anything more to gain. 

In a nook of the wood I’ve placed a fountain,  “A Mother’s Tears”.   And like my own, it flows endlessly.  But as it flows life goes on around it.  The trees and wildflowers grow, the seasons change, the creatures roam… and occasionally a mother will come by to replenish the water, trim back the bush, enjoy the peaceful cascading of the water and think about the son she loves.

Far and Still Away

February 21st, 2010 by Bahama

As the days tick on I grow tired of this place.  This is no vacation.  I am not relaxed.  The retreat is beginning to feel more like a prison.  I don’t want to stay here.   But I don’t want to go home.

The solitude is getting to me but I don’t know that I’m really ready to get back to socializing.  The boredom is overwhelming but I can’t quite bring myself to do something productive.  On the one hand it appears as if I’ve got a life just waiting for me to get back to it.  But then I find it hard to even imagine just stepping back into it after what’s happened. 

I think about my vendors and the paperwork at city hall and I want to care.  I know I should care.  But I don’t.

I know what I need to do here is make a plan.  To define a new ‘normal’ and get moving towards it…. but it’s more work than I’ve energy for right now.  I’m still going from hour to hour here.  How can I possibly begin to think about the days, weeks or months ahead?

But I’m getting ahead of myself.  One impossible task at a time.  First I need to find a way to let go of that which is already gone.

The Only Real Choice

February 17th, 2010 by Bahama

I have a measure of control over most of my life that keeps me steady and makes me comfortable.  I choose where my business is and how it’s run, how often I work and which clients I will serve.  I choose where my home is, how it’s decorated and who has a key to enter.  I’m fortunate enough to have the means to travel when and where I wish with very few exceptions. 

To stop and consider all the decisions and choices, options and possibilites that I’m confronted with daily is mind boggling.  From day to day, even moment to moment, I’m not usually aware of the choices I’m constantly making.  Nor do I consider how that control, the ability to make those choices, affects me…

Until a situation arises where my choices are limited.  Until I encounter something over which I have no control.

I’ve spent the past few days alone, out of contact with friends, customers, citizens, guild members… everyone.  And it’s brought clearly into focus one obvious, undeniable fact of life.  People cause chaos.  What instability, lack of control and limit in choices I have is all caused by the people around me.

While this realization isn’t anything terribly novel, the message I received about BJ has made me look at it from a different point of view.  If these people have the potential to cause chaos in my life and in my heart, why do I allow them that control?  What do I gain?  Is it worth the risk?

But as I sit here in the isolation of the wilderness of Naboo, having purposely cut myself off from everyone and everything I realize the answer to these questions lead me to a much deeper problem.  One much closer to home. A problem that is impossible to escape, even here.

My own heart.

My heart is itself chaotic and unstable, lacking in control, limited in it’s ability to choose whom it will love.  It freely relinquishes my ability to control and choose without considering the consequences or risks.   And there’s nothing I can do about that.

Ironically, what I’m left with is a choice.  I can either live in the light of this reality or fool myself into thinking that I can somehow command my heart not to love. 

Gone

February 14th, 2010 by Bahama

My hand shook as I read the message over and over trying to understand the words there.

BJ dead.  Thought you should know. No other info to give.    F. L.

Could it really be that my son was gone? 

It’s been nearly 2 years since I last heard from him.  The forced silence was part of what he choose in allowing himself to become wrapped up in that ridiculous religion.  Yes, he choose that… and the danger.  He choose them both with no regard for what it meant for me.

I tried many times to dissuade him from walking that road.  Perhaps I could have if I’d had more time back then, if I wasn’t so caught up in tending to my business, if I’d known what that crazy old neighbor had been filling his head with, if I could have offered him more adventure in his life, if..

If Bermuda had been around more or hadn’t been supportive when he found out what was going on… maybe then things would have been different.

Then again, maybe not.  He was a stubborn child from a very young age.  Smart and strong….

And now gone?

I have no way to confirm the message.  I don’t know who F. L. is or how I would contact them.  BJ warned me long ago that if something happened to him, I shouldn’t expect more than a message if they even managed to send one.  At the time I just let the matter drop.  Why didn’t I tell him that wasn’t good enough?

It’s not good enough.

This lonely despair I feel is only compounded by the fact that I have no one with whom I can share it.  So few people even know I have a son…. 

I had a son.

I packed a bag quickly and left a note on my office door I’d be gone a few days – urgent business.  I turned of my comm and avoided the usual routes so as not to run into anyone I know.  I know I won’t be able to even speak without breaking down. 

A few days at the lake is all I need.   Just a few days to pull myself together.

How can I pull myself together?