Being Bahama

The Only Real Choice

I have a measure of control over most of my life that keeps me steady and makes me comfortable.  I choose where my business is and how it’s run, how often I work and which clients I will serve.  I choose where my home is, how it’s decorated and who has a key to enter.  I’m fortunate enough to have the means to travel when and where I wish with very few exceptions. 

To stop and consider all the decisions and choices, options and possibilites that I’m confronted with daily is mind boggling.  From day to day, even moment to moment, I’m not usually aware of the choices I’m constantly making.  Nor do I consider how that control, the ability to make those choices, affects me…

Until a situation arises where my choices are limited.  Until I encounter something over which I have no control.

I’ve spent the past few days alone, out of contact with friends, customers, citizens, guild members… everyone.  And it’s brought clearly into focus one obvious, undeniable fact of life.  People cause chaos.  What instability, lack of control and limit in choices I have is all caused by the people around me.

While this realization isn’t anything terribly novel, the message I received about BJ has made me look at it from a different point of view.  If these people have the potential to cause chaos in my life and in my heart, why do I allow them that control?  What do I gain?  Is it worth the risk?

But as I sit here in the isolation of the wilderness of Naboo, having purposely cut myself off from everyone and everything I realize the answer to these questions lead me to a much deeper problem.  One much closer to home. A problem that is impossible to escape, even here.

My own heart.

My heart is itself chaotic and unstable, lacking in control, limited in it’s ability to choose whom it will love.  It freely relinquishes my ability to control and choose without considering the consequences or risks.   And there’s nothing I can do about that.

Ironically, what I’m left with is a choice.  I can either live in the light of this reality or fool myself into thinking that I can somehow command my heart not to love.