Archive for the 'SWG' Category
I have a measure of control over most of my life that keeps me steady and makes me comfortable. I choose where my business is and how it’s run, how often I work and which clients I will serve. I choose where my home is, how it’s decorated and who has a key to enter. I’m fortunate enough to have the means to travel when and where I wish with very few exceptions.
To stop and consider all the decisions and choices, options and possibilites that I’m confronted with daily is mind boggling. From day to day, even moment to moment, I’m not usually aware of the choices I’m constantly making. Nor do I consider how that control, the ability to make those choices, affects me…
Until a situation arises where my choices are limited. Until I encounter something over which I have no control.
I’ve spent the past few days alone, out of contact with friends, customers, citizens, guild members… everyone. And it’s brought clearly into focus one obvious, undeniable fact of life. People cause chaos. What instability, lack of control and limit in choices I have is all caused by the people around me.
While this realization isn’t anything terribly novel, the message I received about BJ has made me look at it from a different point of view. If these people have the potential to cause chaos in my life and in my heart, why do I allow them that control? What do I gain? Is it worth the risk?
But as I sit here in the isolation of the wilderness of Naboo, having purposely cut myself off from everyone and everything I realize the answer to these questions lead me to a much deeper problem. One much closer to home. A problem that is impossible to escape, even here.
My own heart.
My heart is itself chaotic and unstable, lacking in control, limited in it’s ability to choose whom it will love. It freely relinquishes my ability to control and choose without considering the consequences or risks. And there’s nothing I can do about that.
Ironically, what I’m left with is a choice. I can either live in the light of this reality or fool myself into thinking that I can somehow command my heart not to love.
My hand shook as I read the message over and over trying to understand the words there.
BJ dead. Thought you should know. No other info to give. F. L.
Could it really be that my son was gone?
It’s been nearly 2 years since I last heard from him. The forced silence was part of what he choose in allowing himself to become wrapped up in that ridiculous religion. Yes, he choose that… and the danger. He choose them both with no regard for what it meant for me.
I tried many times to dissuade him from walking that road. Perhaps I could have if I’d had more time back then, if I wasn’t so caught up in tending to my business, if I’d known what that crazy old neighbor had been filling his head with, if I could have offered him more adventure in his life, if..
If Bermuda had been around more or hadn’t been supportive when he found out what was going on… maybe then things would have been different.
Then again, maybe not. He was a stubborn child from a very young age. Smart and strong….
And now gone?
I have no way to confirm the message. I don’t know who F. L. is or how I would contact them. BJ warned me long ago that if something happened to him, I shouldn’t expect more than a message if they even managed to send one. At the time I just let the matter drop. Why didn’t I tell him that wasn’t good enough?
It’s not good enough.
This lonely despair I feel is only compounded by the fact that I have no one with whom I can share it. So few people even know I have a son….
I had a son.
I packed a bag quickly and left a note on my office door I’d be gone a few days - urgent business. I turned of my comm and avoided the usual routes so as not to run into anyone I know. I know I won’t be able to even speak without breaking down.
A few days at the lake is all I need. Just a few days to pull myself together.
How can I pull myself together?
I was working in my office in city hall when my desk rattled slightly and the familiar sound of a ship flying low overhead passed . I couldn’t help but smile to myself. Kiwon was home.
I went out to greet her. I could tell something wasn’t quite right and she wasted no time relaying the bad news.
“You’re not going to like this, Bee. Regional governor is making a sweep. He wants the sector clear of all Rebel activity and I can’t keep them outta here this time.”, she confided.
I asked her to do what she could to help them complete their sweep while keeping all Moneta’s citizens safe. She understood exactly what I was asking of her and she did a wonderful job handling the situation. She directed the troops to inspect various sites and it wasn’t long before they were satisfied Moneta was secure.
Once the troops had moved on, life in Moneta quickly went back to normal. Neighbors who have diverging alliances behind closed doors exchange pleasantries in the town square, share resources and frequent one another’s businesses.
I admit that I often go about the business of my day successfully avoiding having to confront the reality of this terrible conflict. I know I’m not alone in this. My fellow citizens and I pass by troops all the time and, on occasion, even witness a skirmish. But we all go about our business as if none of it exists. It’s simply to much to consider the many hundreds of people on both sides, each actively involved in plotting the demise of the other.
This war has already gone on too long and claimed more lives than I can fathom. But this most recent intrusion makes me wonder if perhaps the worst is still yet to come…
MNETA recently had our Life Day party. Everyone managed to find gifts under the 1000 credit limit and they were anonymously distributed among all our guests. I also put together some gift bags for everyone with some decorative and useful items including a festive Life Day hat.
After the gifts were all handed out we enjoyed some drinks and music over at the Regal Beagle. Oceat did a wonderful job decorating just for the occasion. It was a lovely party and it seems everyone enjoyed themselves… some perhaps a bit too much….
But just as the festivities geared up, a frantic call from Doaba Guerfel came in on my comlink. The gifts collected for the less fortunate had been hijacked by a band of thugs! It didn’t take the Brigade very long at all to mobilize, track them down and recover the stolen presents, still wrapped and ready for distribution.
Happy Life Day!
I’ve known he was on his way home for some time now. I knew he’d be back to Moneta soon. But I wasn’t prepared.
I couldn’t help but throw my arms around him upon seeing him, something I don’t normal do. I stood there overwhelmed with emotion, fighting back tears of joy. There was so much to tell him. So many things have changed since he left all those months ago to serve the Empire…. but I couldn’t even think of where to begin.
I quickly sent out a note to the entire guild.
Dear MNETA,
A little more than a year ago, a noble Bothan stood at my side while I fired up a guild device. He led our fleet as Admiral of Skull Squad, donated the guildhall that is now our Community Center and funded the small outpost of Moneta.
And then he had to leave us for a time. Off to serve the Empire.
But he’s back!
If you get the chance, please welcome LongJie back home.
It was late and soon after his arrival I had to head home to go to bed. In the quiet, darkness of my bedroom I thought about his return.
And I cried.
I don’t think I ever realized how much I worried over him while he was gone, how much I missed him or how relieved I’d feel to have him home, safe and sound.
I drifted off to sleep with tears still drying on my face, feeling very grateful that the Empire has returned LJ to us.
I put in a long hard day in the shop today. It was time again to stock the vendors. I was quite a bit behind. I gathered my materials, made myself comfortable at my work desk and quickly found my groove. It’s a beautiful thing when you can get in that zone where things flow smoothly and productively along. As my hands worked steadily, my mind wandered from subject to subject.
Crafting a purple shirt brought to mind an old friend who was fond of the color. Rarely was he ever seen without his trusty purple jacket. It’s been ages since I’ve heard from him and I wondered to myself where he was and how he was doing. We’d had a falling out many, many months ago and I thought back on the the anger he expressed in his last communication to me.
In my mind I imagined conversation after conversation that we might have. What could I say to change things? What could I do to turn things around? Each imaginary conversation ended the same, with that same mistrust and anger he’s expressed so many times. Try as I might, I couldn’t even daydream a different ending.
Those who know me know how important honesty is to me. Friend or foe, I never intentionally lead folks astray. I always seek to be a woman of integrity. When I make a mistake, I do my best to make it right. Not much is more important to me than my reputation. More than anything, I wish to be known as someone trustworthy and true.
But what can one do when your words, actions or intentions are misinterpreted? I can’t prove what really happened when things went sour in this relationship. I can’t prove my feelings or intentions or thoughts. If he can’t trust me… I’m helpless to change things.
When it all first happened I struggled daily with facing this reality. I’m still not comfortable with the fact that he thinks I’d ever intentionally hurt him. But slowly I’ve replaced the feeling of helplessness with hope. Hope that perhaps someday he’ll reconsider his assessment of the situation, that he’ll give me the chance to show him that my integrity and honesty is, and always has been, firmly in place. Hope that forgiveness and love will prevail and that I’ll once more be able to be his friend, to enjoy his company and regain his trust.
It’s been a summer of comings and goings.
Several friends have recently been called away. Business trips, family obligations and various other reasons have taken good citizens away for a time. I really can’t put in words how much I miss them. To walk by Ioh’s bunker, for instance, knowing full well, he’s not inside crafting like he always was… it’s just very hard some days.
Then too, there’s been an influx of wonderful new citizens come to join us. Rarely is the guild channel void of good humor and interesting remarks. There’s been plenty to keep me busy as we work to settle everyone in and set them all up with the things they need.
And then there are those who are both coming and going all at once. Crafters who have fired their vendors and given away their inventory and walked away from their trade to learn another, more dangerous one. Others have hung their blaster on the wall and taken to the fields to sample for materials and tinker with schematics.
The upheaval brings a freshness and excitement to the guild for sure. But such so many changes all at once tend to leave me feeling a bit …unsettled.
It feels as if I’ve fallen out of my groove, rolling along in a very haphazard way. I’m behind in stocking my vendors and I can’t seem to shake the feeling that I’m forgetting important things. A search through my datapad reveals nothing pressing yet I can’t shake the feeling that I ought to be rushing somewhere to do something….
But not a moment too soon, this season is ending. And I look forward to a return to the calm, stability the next one should bring.
I finally heard from my friend again last night.
Wait. Did I just call him my friend?
I suppose I did. As much as I’ve tried to keep my distance emotionally, I guess there’s really no denying that I feel a certain kinship with him at this point. This former acquaintance has managed to breech my defenses somehow and now I’m stuck with another person I have to worry over.
I was relieved to hear that he’d easily made an escape with the help of those he knew on the inside. I was relieved to hear that it’s unlikely I’ll be hearing from any more authorities where either my friend or my son are concerned. I was relieved to hear that our difficulties with the Black Sun will likely be fewer… well, at least until one of our pilots has another scuffle with them.
But most of all I’m relieved that he doesn’t blame me for his capture or hold it against me that I didn’t mount a rescue mission to save him. I wasn’t looking forward to living with that bit of guilt.
I’m used to worrying about the people I know and care about. It’s so rare for the shoe to be on the other foot. Yet, he was there, expressing concern for me when I wasn’t even fully aware of the danger I was in. I’ve taken that to heart.
Several times he asked me to purchase some armor for protection. I brushed him off without a second thought. But that was before. Now? Well, I wouldn’t call it armor per-se. It’s more like a padded undershirt, but I’ve purchased it and will wear it as he advised me to.
Though we appear to have very little in common and we clearly have different perspectives and views, I’m grateful that our paths have crossed. I’m not going to be spreading it around that I associate with fugitives… but nevertheless, I’m honored to call him my friend.
It’s been days since I last heard from my acquaintance. And I’d be lying if I told you he hasn’t been on my mind since I last received word from him.
I still don’t know if he’s been completely truthful with me. Instinctually, I feel that there’s some truth in what he’s told me despite his rather odd behavior and outlandish tales. The story he’s told me, true or not, has altered my perceptions and given me quite a bit to think about.
With so many real threats out there, I’m sure the government has closed my file by now… or at the very least shoved it to the bottom of the pile. Times like these it really pays to have kept myself out of trouble and have that solid reputation on which to stand.
But my thoughts keep going back to this man. He’s either in custody or on the run, neither option is ideal. I still don’t trust him, but I don’t necessarily wish him ill either. The worst part is, I don’t know if he knows that.
One of the last things he said to me in the call just prior to his capture was, “What have you done?” I admit this bothers me. It bothers me to think that he might assume I went through with my threat to report him… that where ever he is, he thinks that I brought on his troubles.
Then too, it bothers me that he’d called me. He knew he was in serious trouble. Didn’t he have anyone else to call? Someone to call for help? Did he think that I could help him somehow? Did he mistakenly think that I’d be willing to risk my life for him? And if he did….. have I let him down?
Part of me hopes I’ll hear from him again. If only to know he’s ok and that he doesn’t hold me responsible for what’s happened. But then again, any contact with him threatens my reputation. I don’t want to be drawn into his troubles. I have enough of my own. Not the least of which is getting him off my mind.
With instructions to ‘maintain silence’ I left the situation with that troublesome acquaintance behind me. Or so I’d hoped.
With his plot discovered I figured it was unlikely I’d hear from him again. I didn’t consider him to be any great threat based on the fact that he’d already had so many opportunities to cause me physical harm and yet he’d only ever tossed a subtle threat at me here and there.
I had every intention of reporting his activities to the authorities as soon as I found the time. I hoped they might have some ideas about what motive he may have had in the first place.
I didn’t get the chance to do that.
Much to my surprise, he sent a message a few days later. It was difficult to make out what he was saying with all the explosions in the back ground but I could make out something about the Black Sun.
I told him I had every intention of alerting the authorities to his suspicious activities. “Who will you report?”, he asked.
“Well, you, of course.”, I responded, a little taken aback that I had to state the obvious.
With slightly restrained chuckle he replied, “See what good it will do you.” Then he was back to a line of questioning he’d been pursuing since that very first meeting… He wanted to know the details of where I was during the Clone Wars.
Then a new question. He asked what I thought of Jedi.
Suddenly I saw a possible motivation for everything that had come before. My son.
I took a deep breath and steadied my voice, “What do you know… or think you know?”
He repeated the question.
With as much sincerity as I could muster I responded, “I consider them neither friend nor foe if that’s what you’re asking.”
He then asked what I thought the Jedi stood for and what I thought of clones. As he continued his questioning there was an audible difference in his voice. There was anger there, however much he tried to hide it.
I wanted him to keep talking, to reveal his reasons for asking me in the first place…. so I stated that at the time I was young and didn’t think much on it.
What followed was a tale of clones and jedi told with such sincerity and detail that I found myself feeling for the man who’s story it was …without the suspicion I’m sure the situation merited.
When his story came to an end, I took advantage of the fact he hadn’t been able to see how his story had affected me and simply told him it was quite a far fetched tale. I asked him again what he was really after.
For the first time since we’d met, he suddenly seemed quite open and honest. He had wanted to share his knowledge, then gotten caught up in the trouble we’re having with the Black Sun and besides, it was rare to find a decent person….
I was completely baffled. Every instinct told me that he was telling the truth. Every part of me believed everything he’d told me at this point. Perhaps the explosives had been the Black Sun… goodness knows we’ve had problems with them in the past. Perhaps he had meant what he said about earning his trust….
But then I hate being taken for a fool. I needed to look him in the eye and see for myself if he was being truthful with me after all. I asked him to meet me in a public place I knew well. I asked him to leave behind his weapons and his infamous helmet. Without hesitation, he agreed.
The whole flight there I kept going over in my mind all he’d said. Even if I took it all at face value, even if I believed everything he told me, there was still a danger. The way he spoke about jedi, the anger in his voice when he’d told his story… I needed to know if he knew about my son.
I arrived at the meeting place and he was waiting, without weapons or helmet, just as he had promised. His body language indicated he was relaxed, open… even friendly. He was willing to answer any questions I had. So I asked, “What do you know about me?”
He mentioned my business, Moneta, my dislike for armor, my approximate age…. and then mentioned that I had a husband and a son. I inquired how he knew about my husband and son since neither were around and I rarely spoke of them to even close friends.
I watched his face closely. The corners of his eye turned up as he smiled a bit and explained he had ‘good hearing’. Not a trace of deceit nor a hint of anger anywhere to be found.
I breathed a sigh of relief and we began chatting about our little problem with the Black Sun. I told him we were aware there was a threat and that it wasn’t anything we couldn’t handle. It seemed we’d finally come to place where we could chat without such mistrust between us.
But suddenly his demeanor changed and his line of questioning took a turn toward the bizarre. He accused me of being force sensitive, a general in the clone wars and even a jedi! I laughed at the ridiculousness of it all. But he continued on.
I thought to myself that he was either a master of distraction or else a victim of an over active imagination… and I told him so. He grabbed his helmet and weapon from their hiding spot and left in a hurry, all while insisting that indeed, I must be a jedi.
So much for clearing up the confusion…
